Thinking Of You

Nazareth House Nuns

CHRISTCHURCH 2001.

I went to Nazareth House Christchurch New Zealand at 8-30 am for Mass with my friend Eileen as I was told by Sr. A that she would give me some photos of me when I was a little girl there and I now know that I was feed a lie by her to get me on my own so as she could dress me down about what happened and why I had come forward with the abuse to me in the two catholic orphanages.

Sister ildephons met us at the front door, we then went into Mass and after she took us the parlour and when we were setted she went out of the room.

When Sister Ildephonsus came back with Sister Bernard Mary and told me that the nuns would not give me the photos because of what I had done. I felt so small. I could not stand up for myself, I could not say anything.

I could not defend myself against the nuns even then after all these years to still feel so small. No one knows the amount of fear I have for the nuns and still do. As the abuse of my childhood affects me every day, it just wont leave me. I need help because I feel the nuns in me all the time, it is like I can hear them

These Nazareth House nuns have so much to answer to not one good thing did they do and if they did it was always followed with a something bad worse than before So what ever good happens in my life it still comes out like this for me because I remember what the nuns did to me at that time. It is like looking in to a picture book at yourself, like reading your own story and reliving it again and again.

After the mediation in December 2001 I phoned Nazareth House for some photos of me which the nuns had, they told me to be there by 8/30am and that they would give them to me. I was so pleased so Eileen took me there, she and Brian came in with me we were told to go to mass I did not want to but I though that this was the only way to get the photos

After that Sister Ildephonsus gave us a cup of tea which we thank her for and then I asked her for the photos. SHE SAID NO and then left the room. When Sister Ildephonsus came back with her was Sister Bemard Mary and she told me that the nuns would not give me the photos because of

what I had done I felt so small. I could not stand up for myself, I could not say anything, I could not defend myself against the nuns even then after all these years to still feel so small. No one knows the amount of fear I have for the nuns and still do. I could not say anything to them.

Sister Ildephonsus then took me to another room by myself and said why did I not tell the nuns when I was working at St. Josephs about what happened to me, I said I tried to and no one believed me. So I then told her all of it and then said now do you understand why I have to do this, she said yes. I felt really bad while talking to her as every thing was making me feel so low and dirty, It was like I wanted pull my skin off my arms

OH God I hope I can tell them what they did to me when I am face to face with them.

FEAR FOR THOSE in AUTHORITY.

When ever I was called out to see a nun I would straight away feel weak wet my pants and not say any think, the nuns would slap me across my face and say I was stubborn and keep slapping me. I just could not speak, it did not mater what they did to me I could not open my mouth

I was put down so much in my life every day an all day I believed what I was told about how dumb I was and not to question anyone lest of all those in authority over me and I got that all my life. It all comes from the nuns that anyone in authority is right no mater what they say,

when they said you were a liar you were a liar. So I never had the right to question anyone, I was always wrong and I still feel this way, It upsets me so much when I know I am right and still I walk away, because I feel like I did at Nazareth House that I am dumb and don't know nothing

NO ONE CARED

Why didn't no one come to help me?

Why didn't no one take my hand and hold it for a while?

Why didn't no one wipe my tears away when I cried?

Why didn't no one say thank you to me?

Why didn't no one see my pain?

Why didn't no one say a kind or nice word to me?

Why didn't no one love me?

Why didn't no one want me?

Why didn't no one give me a hug?

Why didn't no one tell me about my mother?

Why didn't no one say I care for you?

With all the whys I asked myself, I have no answers. Only the nuns can tell me. Why?

EXCUSE to ABUSE YEARS AFTER.

I have heard time and time again, about adults who were abused when they were children. And now are abusing not only children, but adults and animals also. SAY!

That it was because of their childhood they abuse now.

No one has the right to ill-treat another person. If they were really truly hurt, in pain and abuse as a child, and they knew how it felt. How could they in their right mind inflict pain and abuse on anyone today.

I feel that they use their childhood abuse, as an excuse to cover up, and to do to other people as they like.

How can they abuse some one else?

The same way as they were abuse. They should know better. They know what it is like to be abuse, just like me.

When I get upset I will go for a long walk, I find it helps me a lot.

NO ONE SHOULD USE THEIR CHLDHOOD.

AS AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE ANOTHER PERSON.

NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE ANOTHER PERSON.

NO ONE SHOULD BE ALLOWED IN THE COURT OF LAW. TO USE HIS OR HER CHILDHOOD ABUSE. AS AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE LATER ON IN LIFE.

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