Thinking Of You

Nazareth House Nuns

My Pet Cat

I have a cat now which I found very sick as a kitten on the road. it was grey and white and grew up to be my watchdog. It would not let anyone past my gate up to the house. One day I found a mother cat and her little kitten. They were sick so I took them to the vet and then brought them into the kitchen by the hot stove.

The nun who works with me in the kitchen came in and saw them. She then got a broom and started to hit them with it. I could not let her hurt something that could not fight back for itself, so I took the broom off her and hit her with it. She did not hurt the cats again.

Then I vowed that no one would ever touch or hurt me again. I was 24 years old. It was when I saw a little kitten and her sick mother, who could not defend them selves. It was then I said, "No More." No more pain for them and me. It was also then, that I promised myself, that if I ever saw someone who could not defend themselves. I would help them and be there for them.

TWISTED SPIN.

My spin is twisted by being thrown against the walls in the playroom every day and I have arthritis of the spin because of it, it is very painful that sometimes I can not do my house work I do not have anyone to help me and I do need help because I can not do the vacuum cleaning and putting the clothes on the line, these jobs I find very hard to do.

I have earache every day because of the slapping across my face and ears. The pain in my ear is like a hot needle being poked in my ear and I also have very bad migraines, like my head would split open. My eyes are worse now from weeping all the time with sinusitis and my right eye is bad.

TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AT 19YEARS

I was working for the Greys and I was 19years old, I was taking nightmares every night and crying at night, I did not know what was wrong with me. The nightmares were about Nazareth House nuns/priest, at that time I could not get what happened to me out of my mind and what the priest had done to me,

I did not want to go to Timaru because I though the priest would come again to see me, I never went out. So I broke the big plate in the water and then with the sharp edge of the plate I slashed my right wrist. When I saw all the blood I got frighten so I got a nappy and wrapped it around my arm and then run to the next door neighbours who took me to Timaru Hospital were I stayed for about 2weeks or more. The Dr. kept asking me ifI was committing suicide, I was so scared about what they would do to me, so I kept saying no.

Thank god the priest did not come because I know I would have made a better job of killing myself. When I was on the operation table I could see myself being operated on, I was floating in a bright light looking down at myself. To this day I am sure that I had died away back then, if only the Dr. had left me to die I would not be doing this now.

BOY FRIEND.

It was not until I was 24 years old did I go out with a boy.

From the age of 19 to 23years old. Whenever some one came up to see me at St. Joseph's and especial if it was a boy, the nuns would send them away. I had no life and worked all the time, from early morning until late into the evening.

When I went out with Brian. All I could say was, ''yes please" and "no thank you" I could not say anything else. I did not know what to say nor did I know anything about boys. When ever I went out in the car with Brian and if he put his hand anywhere near me, I would jump out of the car while it was still going.

Brian would sleep in the hedge at the end ofSt. Josephs driveway, then come back the next day still the nuns would tell him I was sick. He walked 25miles to come to see me, he was in the army then so away he would walk home again and come back the next weekend and the same thing would happen every weekend.

Brian did not give up, the nuns must have got sick of him coming up so they told me about him and when I went out with him I was so scared that I took 5 other girls with me, I was 23years old and I had never being out with a boy and all I said to him was Yes please and no thank you. I could not speak to anyone. I can not explain to you the fear I had for any adult men/women.

After a couple of months, one of the nuns told Brian that I had the sins of my mothers in me as well as the devil and that the nuns had to punish me so that I would not be like my mother,. Brian told me about it and he said that it was to get him to leave me, that it was so horrible what that said that he knew by only knowing me for that short time that what the nuns said was not true.

Sister Peter, took Brian aside and told Brian to be vel)' patient with me as I had had a bad upbringing in the two orphanages and I need all the help he could give me, I had told Brian over the years what happened to me and he said that it was so unbelievable that us little children were treated so badly by the nuns, he just could not believe it and how I survived though it. I couldn't walk on the same side of the street if a boy or man,

were on the same side as me. I would cross the road so as I would not see them.

What is wrong for wanting someone to hold my hand, give me a kiss and to say I Love You. Ever since I was a little girl, I waited for someone to take my hand, And to tell ME that I belong to them.

NIGHTMARES NOW.

My husband Brian has been vel)' patient with me, especial at night when I take nightmares. If I can't wake up he'll shake and talk to me until I am right again. The dreams I have are so bad sometimes that I wake up screaming and hitting Brian. I dream about the man's face at the window. To me it is real, as it was when I was a child. I also have nightmares about what the girls and nuns did to me.

Why is it that the innocent child suffers the most, when things like this are done to her. And later on in life, they come back to haunt her both day and night.

My nightmares have got worst since 1997, that Brian sleeps in another bedroom. It is really awful. I don't go to bed until after lam in the morning and then I can't sleep because I know that my nightmares will begin. I don't like them, it is the same thing evel)' night, over and over again.

PAIN TODAY.

My headaches all the time this is because of the cupboard falling on top of me. My back and ears are bad as well,

The pain never leaves me, it is a part of me now,

my doctor told me that nothing can be done for

my head or ears because they are old wounds.

I have been told all my life to put it aside, to forget about it.

If they only knew how much I have tried to forget. I can't.

I still get earaches and headaches everyday.

This is the simplest of reminders I have of the cruelty of my childhood years. My God! I want this pain to leave me. It hurts me.

What about my feelings?

Who can take my pain and hurt away from me?

It is all hidden and buried deep in my mind.

"Help me please Mary and Jesus. If not to forget, then to forgive them, like Jesus did on the cross. Your pain Mary, must have been so great, when you lost your son, that Friday. I now know how you felt. The feeling of emptiness of a lost child, is the greatest pain a mother can bear. You can never say good-bye. My son is still with me.

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