Thinking Of You

Nazareth House

My Mother's Children

I Found My Mother's Children 1993 the saw for them for the first time in 1997 I found my family in March 1993 and started to write to my brother John. Then eight months later I lost my first born and only son. My son ROBBIE. My world fell apart. I could not write to my brothers and sisters anymore, as it was a punishment from GOD for finding them.

That is why he took my son Robbie away from me. I found out that I have four sisters and two brothers. I am frightened that if I start to get to know my family, they also will be taken away from me.

I can not go through the pain of losing my family.Just like when I lost my son, Robbie. As well as a child, what ever I had was ripped from my hands. My cowboy doll was the only thing that I ever had.

I feel as though I don't belong to anyone and that I am nothing. Robbie was killed coming home after work, at 6/30 in the morning, after working 75 hours of work at the weekend. He fall asleep at the wheel of his car.

My son was just 27years old.

PAIN. FEAR and FEELINGS.

It is as if I go numb when they are hurting and hitting me now. The nuns hurt me outwardly but my heart won't give in. "What do they want from me?"

I have nothing to give, but my thoughts.

" Jesus can you hear my thoughts?" " I know you are everywhere."

" Am I really bad like they say I am?" " If so please help me to be good."

"Will I ever be happy?"

I am sure that any person, who as a child knows what fear for another person is like. To me, fear is not being able to do anything to protect yourself from being abused. Mentally, Physical, Molested, Verbal abuse, Emotionally and Rape.

I could not do anything to help myself from it all.

I COULDN'T.

I felt so helpless. I did not know what to do.

How do I get help when I was a child and no one took any notice of me?

How could I get help from the same people who were doing these horrible things to me? I was a child in their care.

It made me feel like giving up, but what can I give up. When I have nothing to give, but by life. I could not go anywhere for help. I went to the police, but they would take me back toNazareth House. The police did not help me. I had no one.

No kind word did I hear.

No thank you for the work I had done.

No Birthday or Christmas present did I get.

If I did get some thing it was ripped from my hands. I felt as though, I was not allowed to have anything for myself. It was as if I was dirt and to be cast aside so no one could see me. Because of this, I thought that I was an ugly child. I have seen photos of me as a little girl

in 1997 and I looked pretty and so tiny,

I did not know how to protect myself even when I was in my 20s, but don't forget that I had no mind of my own and that the nuns/priest had me doing what ever they told me to do and I never question them, I was so fearful of them all the time, that is why, even today I am ftighten to face the Nazareth House nuns/priest, I will put all of my strength into facing them when I have to and hope to god I do not let myself down. Because I want so much to confront the Nazareth House nuns, they were the ones who did the worse of the abuse because they kept the abuse going on though out my teenage years and into my 20s up to 25years old and if you ask me each time I see them, they belittle me. I just stand there and take it, as though I am a child.

MARTYR.

I thought that I was put on this earth to be a Martyr for God.

I tried not to cry and to think of the nails going in to Jesus hands and feet.

The nuns told me that I had the devil in me

That I well go to hell when I die. That I would burn in hell. I did no wrong. When I got the chickenpox, the nuns said that it was the devil coming out of me. I always thought that it was wrong to like someone. I felt like this because of the cruelty shown to me, when I was a child. I have no faith in myself. I can't get close to anyone. As soon as I get to know someone I take off.

I can get lost in a crowed, but one on one, I can not handle.

I find it very hard to talk to people. I feel useless.

WHAT I FEEL TODAY.

You had taken my life from me, my innocence of my childhood had gone. You have taken my motherhood from me, you have taken my children away from me, you have taken my grandchildren. You have striped me of my love I should have for my family. I have no love in my life because of your hatred towards me for the first 24 years of my life, I do not know how to love. You taught me that god was all hate and to be feared. No love was shown to me just hate, abuse and cruel hard words.

My life was stolen from me at Nazareth House My mind was taken from me as well as my soul. It was as if I was not there most of the time I was put down so much, called a simpleton, I would stand in one stop and could not talk to a soul, while the nuns hit me to try to get me to talk,

This made me open for more and more abuse by the nuns, because it was the only way I knew how to take all of the pain which I would hide.

I can not explain to you how fearful I was of the nuns and priest, that when I heard the nuns rosary beads before even seeing the nuns, I would wet my pants and cry. No one will ever know how frighten I was, I would go numb within and not think of any thing, my mind was blank and I would hide from the nuns for I though if they could not see me they would not hit me The only way I could hide was by hiding behind the other girls, I knew that I was going to be striped and dragged across the bed and thrashed to get the devil and my mothers sins out of me.

I will never forget what the nuns did to me, my life was hell and I have nothing to show for it. I am what the nuns have always told me, I was as a child, dumb, stupid, sinful, simpleton with the devil in me, so believing all that the nuns had told me, is how I have lived my life, not knowing any better. I hate myself for not helping my children, I have let them down so much

I try as hard as I can to think of myself as an equal to another person but I still feel that I am beneath everyone. I still let everyone walk all over me, or I walk away and say nothing. I have not yet gone forward. I am not strong enough to go it alone or to stand up for myself. Deep down it feels so wrong. I'm trying to be someone I'm not.

I always thought that I had no rights as a person, when I was a child and also a teenager and an adult in the two orphanage. I was told day after day that I was stupid, dumb, good for nothing and bad The nuns also called me simpleton and that I was dumb, stupid and I was bad like my mother and that I had bad blood in me and I had the devil in me. I believed it. I never knew anything else.

The nuns were in charge of me and to me, what they said or did was right. They were doing God's work. I always feared anyone in authority. I would stand there and not say a word.

Still I feel that I was in the wrong and when the nuns punished me I was bad and had done something that I should not have done and therefore had to be punished.

Being in the wrong was the first thing I would think of, whenever I was called out to see someone. I then had this fear for the other person and could not talk to them. My mind would go blank and it still does today when I have to stand up for myself.

The nuns had taken so much away from me, beside my freedom. They took my Innocence, Laughter and Love. The nuns had got every part of my life and my being. I will never be free of what happened to me. They destroyed my childhood and my teenage years, right up to the age of twenty-four years My family links were non existent.

I am a long way from that frightened little girl, but it is still all inside,

hurting me again and again. I have gone over it, how it had happened and if I could have stopped it. I now know, that I could never had stopped, the Hurt, the Hate, the Harsh Cruel Words, the Beatings, the Pain, the Humiliation, the Fear and all of the abuse.

The nuns had control over me and treated me worse than you would treat an animal The long term effects my childhood had on my life as a child and how it effects me now. The 1 st is fear of people. I can not go out to see my friends. The loneliness of being at home all the time is killing me.

Not being able to talk to my children and to tell them how much I love them. I feel awkward when I hug or kiss them. To me, it is wrong even to touch them. I hate myself because of this. I have no self esteem, no faith in myself and I do not trust people.

I feel rejected and I am to blame for the brake up of my brothers and sisters, because of me being born. I can not go to church, because when I see the priest I think of what the priest did to me. I cry and walk out of the church. I did not bring my children up as Catholics or send them to a catholic school, because of how I was treated as a child.

I have missed out watching my children making their First Holy Communion.

I have lived with this all of my live, not knowing who or how to tell someone I could trust and who would listen to me. What the nuns said to me that night while they thrashed me will never leave me. I don't know why they hit me all the time, they always said it was because I had my mothers sins in me and that they had to get them out of me. I love my children and grandchildren dearly and it hurts me so much that when they become adults, I seem to push them away from me, I can't help it.

Because of the lack of education it meant that I could not get any jobs that would have given me a worthwhile or meaningful career. Because of this I could not help my children with their homework. This made me feel useless and helpless, as it still does. I feel so bad about not helping my children. I can not get over the fact that I did not dissevered the thrashings or punishments by the nuns and older girls.

Stuart Henderson, my Lawyer, was the first person I trusted to tell about the sexual abuse of the priest and I told him all of it, in 2001. I don't know how he thinks of me, because of the dirt I have told him about me. I know that he believed me and that alone has helped me.

When I told the priest about it, the priest who I spoke to, was the Bishop's offsider at the mediations. It made me feel worst about myself because I could not tell the priest who sexual abuse me to stop. It is so dirty and I feel so disgusting unclean,

I feel like a reject. No one wants me.

If only my life had being different, without the pain and torment I am in now. No one will ever know the extent of my thoughts or my pain, how I feel, what I have being through because of my birth.

(Being born of a women out of wedlock)

You don't know how miserable I am.

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