"A house of God."
My doll has gone and I am left alone. Just the memory of love,
I had for the doll will last me though the long lonely years.
My doll was ripped from my hands, the first Christmas that I had at Nazareth House.
NIGHT TIME.
My name is called out to line up with some other girls.
I can hear them screaming from the dormitory.
It is my turn to go into the room, all of my clothes are taken off me.
I am then laid on the bed on my stomach.
My hands are tied to the post at the head of the bed, then my feet are tied to the post at the foot of the bed.
There are three nuns around the bed, it was as though it was a ritual for them. Sister Blandina would left up her outer habit, which she then buttoned up
around her waist. Then she would roll up her sleeves and start to thrash me with her cord and her big buckle belt, which she wore to keep her rosary beads on.
It was not with the flat part of the belt, which she hit me with, it was the buckle. it would cut into my skin and I could not sit down for weeks afterwards.
The other two nuns would hold me down more.
"What on earth have I done now?"
While they are hitting me they are saying.
"We have to get the devil out of you. You are like your Mother."
We then had to knell in a row and asked for forgiveness and say I was sorry. I could not move, let alone know why I was punished. Even if I had my period, I was striped of my clothes. This went on for a long time every night. I would hide behind the other girls,
so as the nuns could not see me.
I could not cry any more, the pain was there. I would scream for the nuns to stop thrashing me and kept begging them not to hurt me. I was on my knees, while the nuns would have both my hands and pulling me on to the bed. I was saying, "I'll be good."
"I won't do it again." "I'll be good." "I didn't do it." "It wasn't me." "I'll be good." No one helped me. I learnt to keep everything inside of me.
I could go to no-one for help If I did I would be put across the bed again.
My clothes were always taken off me and I was always tied to the bed.
I know that this is hard for you to believe.
THIS DID HAPPEN TO ME MOST NIGHTS.
I was the only one they tied to the bed and I think it was because I fought back and tried to get off the bed every time and that was why they started to tie my hands and feet to the bed.
I would get on my hands and knees and roll up in a ball then they would tie my hands behind my back and pull me on to the bed. I would scream as loud as I could and after a while I just lie there and I am sure that I pass out some night.
God those nuns have a lot to answer for and as I have gone though this year after year with you and as more of it comes into my mind I begin to be bitter with them. I was not an animal and that is how I felt, they treated me like I was one. I hate them and the priest for wrecking my life and my childhood.
After the lights went out Sister Blandina would walk up and down the aisles of beds and call out. "Put up your hands who's awake.!"
Whoever put their hands up she would then proceed to whack us on our knuckles. After some years I became wise to this and stopped putting my hand up.
MUM.
My mother was a child when she had me, she was raped. One of my brothers don't want anything to do with me because they don't know who my father is.
The nuns lied to me about my mother, they told me that she was dead and that I was an orphan. I did not have a childhood, I lived all my childhood and teenage years up to 24years in fear of the nuns, priest and all other people around me.
The nuns kept telling me that it was for my own good, so as I don't turn out to be like my mother. They did not tell me what wrong she had done.
"Oh Mum! What did you do, for them to hate me like this? 1 love you mum.
That is if 1 know what love is.
I found out when 1 was 24 years old, that my mother was sixteen years old when she gave birth to me.
She was a child having a baby.
And 1 was punished for being that baby.
1 was punished for being ME.
1 don't know how to talk to people. "What to say to them?"
1 might say something to hurt them.
1 can't do that, so it is best that I don't say anything.
"How can they punish me for you?"
"Why did you not tell me you were my mother? That day."
"If! had known, I would have given you a big hug and kiss." "Mum! 1 never once forgot you."
"You were also in my thoughts, even though 1 did not know you." "I loved you Mum."
I was not a bad child. 1 was a very shy and quiet girl. 1 have lived all my life, asking myself.
WHY?How could they do this to me.
If the only wrong that my mother did, was to give birth to me. Then I must have been the worse person to have ever being born. Jesus said. "Let any man who is without sin, cast the first stone." The nuns told me that we are all born with sin, until we are baptized. So therefore no one has the right to cast that first stone.
bravenet.com
