I could not understand why Sister Lucilla was so crnel to me after all I had done everything in the kitchen by myself before she came to work with me. even then I could not stand up for myself against the nuns, they were still right. But now I feel worst because I could not do anything to defend myself. I could not talk back to the nuns/priest.

BABIES.

At the boys home we have boys and girls, from the age of two to five years. The girls when they are five go to Nazareth House. The same orphanage I use to live in, when I was a child. The boys stay at St. Joseph's until they are 12 years old. Well you would never believe it, there is a lady here looking after the little babies who should not be. WHY?

One day on one of my days off, while I was doing my washing, she was taking the babies for a walk and I saw her hitting some of the little ones. I went straight over to her and took the stick off her and hit her with it. I told the nuns. You know she stayed looking after the babies. I couldn't understand why they didn't send her away,

when they knew what she was like to the little ones.

So I made sure whenever I could that I would keep an eye on her and I told her that if I saw her lay a hand on the babies, that I would kill her and do to her whatever she did to the babies.

The little ones were safe as long as I was around.

NIGHTMARES.

My bedroom was opposite hers, I would lock my door at night for fear of what I would do to her, for hurting the little babies, who could not defend themselves against her. I used to have bad nightmares and still do.

One night I was dreaming that I was standing beside Doreen Taylor's bed, with her big wooden valve radio. It was about one foot long and one and a half feet wide.

It was a very heavy radio. There I was with it in my hands and I was dreaming that I was going to kill her. I could hear my name.

"Ann!, Ann!, Ann!, wake up, what are you doing?"

I could not believe my eyes in what I saw, my dream was not a dream,

it was real. I was going to kill her.

I woke up very quickly after that and put her radio down on the table by her bed. Then I told her I was looking for the number on her radio. What made me say that I don't know. From then on I tried to wake up when ever I have any nightmares.

The Priests came to say Mass each day, hear our confessions each week.

The Priest took the girls who made their First Holy Communion and the Priest would take the girls for their catechism. And also the girls who were making their Confirmation and Children of Mary. When ever they took us for our religious teachings, it was always about the devil and that God hated children who were naughty. That God would send us to hell, bum us in hell. The fear and hate of God was preached and hammered into us every day.

Adoption

How is one expected to forget when one is sent out 4times for adoption and then to be sent back to the orphanages time and time again. Us children who had no parents were lined up each Sunday morning outside for adoption. We would all set up on a long stool and were looked over by adults, as though we were cattle. I would think, here I am don't you see me. The first time I was put up for adoption I was 6years old and then Sdays after I was back again then another girl went to this same family Mandy, she was there for 2months then she too was sent back.

Would you believe it another girl went to this same family yet again and Dot they did adopt, for two years she was with this family and she would come back, then go away again this happened though out the years we were at the first orphanage, then at 1Oyears old she came back for good.

After 45years of not seeing each other and meeting Dot and Mandy at Dot's 60th birthday 3rd October 2002, I asked Dot if she knew why the family took me back to the orphanage. It was because I was too quite and shy. Well this really got to me,

as I am still quite and shy and I have never hurt anyone.

You see, time and time again I knew that no one wanted me and would think that there was something wrong with me, I was a child and the hatred that I was shown by the nuns just want leave me.

Whisper a Prayer to God

As I was saying these Nazareth house nuns who lived the lives of kings and queens while we children lived like pig in the pig stiles and fed like them as well, you used us to your advances and may god have mercy on your souls.

You killed me so many times by you thrashings of me and you took from me my innocents, you turned me into a shell of a child with no meaning or love to live.

I pray that someone somewhere will whisper a prayer to God on my behalf, as I have lost my faith in the Roman Catholic Church, I am now sixty-two years old and only a child in wisdom.

Today I still continue to face serious difficulties in establishing my actual identity and contacting members of my natural families who are still alive. The absence of a medical history is also a significant problem for me. I am suffering emotional and physical hardship and abuse, of a kind which has had damaging consequences of my health and well-being for the remainder of my live.

"Power to Abuse"

"Power to Abuse," The power of adults to hurt Children remains, I worked like a dog doing laundry in the wash house and other manual labour in the Kitchen.

The thrashings of the nuns belts came rushing though my head and my god! how they would keep on gaining more and more strength as they whipped me, never once did they stop for a breath. The pounding of their belts across me back which bled and left their marks did not ~other them at all, It was barbaric; it was dreadful. And they call themselves holy nuns. I have a lot of names for these nuns and they are not holy ones at that.

The power the nuns had was to terrorize me in a room as well as the other little kids. How easy to shake, beat, humiliate me of their dark power, secrets, repression, cruelty, lies, and misery .

Nuns can and do physically/sexually/emotionally abuse children too and they deserve to be put in the spotlight. I had a sweetness of a little girl without a smile and I was purely innocent. I began to cry and asked why. They slapped me hard across my face and told me not to pretend I didn't know what I had done I was physically/emotionally abuse

I was dragged by my ear to the front of the class. I was crying because I was scared because I tried to be a good little girl and didn't know what I had done wrong then to be made to set on a stool to be laugh at by the other girls by Sister Blandina.

I was put in a room that wasn't used and told to wait there. I remember looking outside and seeing all the girls laughing and playing and couldn't understand what I did wrong. I , was horribly mistreated by nuns. It is so horribly true that I have been damaged beyond understanding by those I looked up to and trusted. That I lost my trust in them and in the church, even in god is something that I also suffered.

The mental illness and the damage that it causes me each day is beyond repair as the Nazareth House nuns had damaged me so much, even to this day.

This is about acknowledgement and healing. of sexual, psychological and physical abuse to me in Nazareth House.

"What you did to me, physically and psychologically, disturb me, my family and every person I have any type of relationship with for the rest of my life. Your inability to plead 'guilty' demonstrates to me you can't admit what you did, and that makes my ability to move on with my life, as well as forgive you, extraordinarily difficult.

My Mother

How I know my mother came to see me at Nazareth House is that when I found my family in 1997 my brother John sent me a photo of his mother and her sister I got so up set because they were the two women who came to see me and I did not know she was my mother. She was right there with me and I did not know

She came to see me when I turned 15years old and brought me a cake which was taken off me cut up and I had to give every one a piece and I never did get to taste it.

The nuns told me I was an orphan and my mother was told not to tell me she was my mother, as I was told this by my sisters. They all knew of me and still one of my brothers do not want to have any thing to do with me because of my being born out of wedlock.

You see, I am still on the outside looking in. In 2002 I was told that my mother was raped and I am the result of that raped, she was just 16years old. It hurts me so much when people talk down to me about young girls who are raped and then the boys get off it scot free.

As I always say it is the baby who is the one that gets the worst end of it all and the baby has no rights at all. I know because I went though this with the nuns and that is why when they thrashed me, they would say each time that I had my mothers sins in me and I never knew until 2002 when my sister told me about my mother, did I get to know fully why they said that tome.

How mean of them to say that to me, I was just a child and each time they said that about my mother I would say to myself.  Mum how can they punish me for you. what have you done for them to treat me this why? I love you Mum. I am hurting so much.

I call out because of the pain I am in, it is too great and unless you yourself were treated the same why as me, please do not judge us all with your words. I suffered abuse of all kinds as

well as sexual abuse from the age of 18months at the hands of nuns, women, older girls and a priest up to the age of 24years old. Some are so bad that I can not put in writing nor tell any one about them.

What gives you the right to be more holy than righteousness as to tell me how bad I am. To be still told now in my gentle years by you, how I have sinned because of telling of the abuse which was done to me, hurts me even worse than being abuse.

How dare you judge me and others who had being abuse though out our childhood. Unless you too have had the same life as me, do not judge me, have you not seen on this site what I have put here. I know that god is my judge and I leave it in his hands to deal with these people who abused me, but I need to have these people to hear me. So what is an hour out of their liver to hear me.

My Time to Heal

GIVE ME MY TIME TO TALK AND TELL THEM SO AS I CAN HEAL. And I say again unless you have gone though the same as me, please do not judge me and many of others who have been abuse by nuns and priest. You do not know what I had to endure during these .24years and still now I can not cope with this pain, I need some one to help me to carry my cross as it gets heavy from day to day.